You and your companions had sworn to avenge the murder of King Burton the Wise, but you failed miserably. Despite completing a series of almost impossible quests you were not able to bring Queen Sharona and her husband Gaston the Handsome to justice for their heinous crime of regicide. You were declared traitors and had to flee your beloved Burtonia. Despite the Peace Treaty of Buttingham that had ended a thousand years of constant warfare Queen Sharona and her husband attacked the neighbouring kingdom of Sexualia and conquered it in a surprise attack. Queen Spermobia and her son Erwin the Cruel were both publicly executed in a cruel spectacle. As a consequence of this ruthless breach of international laws, the kingdom of Sexualia ceased to exist. The only other remaining realm on the northern continent of Bonkers are the Dorklands, a direct democratic coalition of orcish tribes.
Your travels have led you to the southern continent of Mabongo, to the lively harbour town of Ballaballa. Its ruler King Mobutu has been pleased to welcome you to his city. Ballaballa is famous for its six-breasted prostitutes, its annual dwarfish porn film festival and the arena in which gladiatorial combats are held every day. It really seems as if you and your companions have found a new home. Endiah has been exploring the local bazars for several days now, and you and Dingleberry have not wasted any time either: the six-breasted prostitutes of the infamous brothel district are a novelty for both of you, so you and your stoned friend indulge in the glittering nightlife of a city that never sleeps. You even pass by the famous dwarfish theatre, the oldest building in Ballaballa. A poster lists the films which are running now: "Two Girls, One Keg", "Behind the Stone Door", "Dwarfs Have More Fun", "Debbie Does Oakenspire" and "Wanda Whips Grimhelm". These are truly marvellous times in which you live. One evening, Dingleberry approaches you, hugging two beautiful young maidens in short schoolgirl's skirts. "Yo, bro, say hello to Candy and Mandy. Old Dingleberry is going to enjoy a threesome now," he laughs, kissing the girls passionately. You sneak a peak at their bottoms and have to admit that they have indeed some sexy asses. You give Dingleberry a high five as he and the two beauties adjourn to his chamber. "Don't do anything stupid, mate. For king and country!" you laugh. Yes, you're having the time of your life, but as always things are too good to be true.
You've bought a keg of dwarfish ale and are just about to enter Dingleberry's chamber and join the fun as you hear the familiar sounds of smashing furniture and angry grunts. You kick open the door and see the two attractive maidens armed to the teeth with all sorts of wicked killing tools. One of them tries to slice Dingleberry wide open with a vicious looking dagger. The insight hits you in the face like an angry ogre with a sledgehammer: these two beauties are no ordinary wenches dressed to kill, they are some sexy assassins ready to murder your buddy! The brunette one turns towards you with an evil smirk. "It seems as if the stupid one wants to join the party as well," she grins as she throws a shuriken and misses you by a hairbreadth. You unsheathe Bob, activate its nitrous oxide engine, and the magic sword immediately starts to sing, "Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene! I'm begging of you please don't take my man. Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene! Please don't take him even though you can." Its blade shimmers in the dim moonlight as you parry the assassin's attack and aim at her leg in return. "Your beauty is beyond compare, with flaming locks of auburn hair, with ivory skin and eyes of emerald green," the legendary singing sword rejoices as you swing it at your opponent. For the split of a second she is distracted and the blade bites deep into her thigh. She screams in pain as the blood splatters out of her severed artery. Bob mafficks, "Your smile is like a breath of spring, your skin is soft like summer rain, and I cannot compete with you, Jolene!", as you run it through her jugular and decapitate her. The blonde assassin lets up on Dingleberry as she sees the twitching body of her companion hitting the floor. Before you can get any closer she has already jumped out of the window and disappears in the warren of the nightly city. Bob still keeps warbling away: "And I could easily understand how you could easily take my man, but you don't know what he means to me, Jolene!" You sheathe the magic sword and kneel besides your wounded friend. "Are you alright, mate?" you ask him anxiously. "Bro, they nearly got me. I need a smoke," Dingleberry coughs. "These girls caught me red-handed. They poisoned me with a potent anti-diarrheal agent and then tried to finish me off. Damn, I'm getting too old for this shit." He takes a deep puff and blacks out.
"The Secret Society of Sexy Ass Assassins wants to kill us?" Endiah asks incredulously. "And you're sure that you're not making that bullshit up?" You shake your head and hand her the contract you found in the dead assassin's garter. "No," you say, "apparently Queen Sharona and this idiot Gaston the Handsome have hired the S.S.o.S.A.A. to kill us." Endiah peruses the contract, "Unbelievable. Secret Society of Sexy Ass Assassins. Who comes up with such a stupid name for a secret organization?" You shrug your shoulders: "I dunno. But I'm pretty sure we haven't seen the last of them. Any idea?" Endiah seems to stare right through you, "And here I was thinking I could enjoy my shopping trip. Shit! Don't tell me that we're about to do that stupid quest nonsense again. I'm tired of questing. No, really. I'm dead serious about that. If you ask me to do another quest, I run berserk." You nod in agreement: "I see what I can do, but I can't guarantee anything. After all, we're heroes. Quests are our daily bread."
Two days later, you and your two companions stand under a luxurious canopy in the lavish gardens of King Mobutu, the ruler of Ballaballa. He lies on a divan, his principal wife Queen Ebonia sits next to him. Mobutu is dressed in a revealing, leathern fetish outfit, a cape made from the skin of cute, little jaguar babies casually draped over his left shoulder. His obese body gleams with sweat. "Well, I could help you if you complete a few simple quests for me," he says. Behind you, you can hear Endiah swear, "Fuck!" King Mobutu totally ignores your elvish companion and continues, "You have to cross the Great Desert and survive its perils. Travel to the dwarfish capital Oakenspire and meet King Smutbeard, the ruler of the dwarfs. Let him tell you the story of Grimhelm and the Ballsrog. Make sure that you understand what's ahead of you. Then travel to the abandoned city of Grimhelm, defeat the Ballsrog and obtain the magic camera that is in its possession. Bring me the magic camera, help me to produce a high-quality porn film and win this year's dwarfish porn film festival." King Mobutu stops, panting for breath. All the talking has aroused him, his balls are swelling and pulsate rhythmically, his face twisted in agony. Immediately, one of the surrounding sex slaves kneels in front of him and starts kneading the king's enormous balls. With a loud moan King Mobutu cums and releases his bottled-up semen over the poor boy. Finally, he relaxes, relieved from the painful swelling. "Do this," he continues, "and I could arrange that you can fight Gaston the Handsome in a deadly cockfight in our arena: only you, him, and your penises. The people will love it!" Endiah is shaking her head in total disbelief, annoyed and embarrassed by what she has just heard. Dingleberry is totally stoned and doesn't understand anything. You probably have to explain everything to him again later on.
You are about to leave as Queen Ebonia clears her throat. Her chubby yet voluptuous black body is glistening in the sun. You are unable to keep your eyes off her six breasts and all those pierced nipples that are hardly covered by a transparent greenish veil. The miniscule black thong, the skanky leather sandals and the golden jewelry she wears are of little help either. Her eyes widen with lust as she sees the bulge in your trousers. "I have a few quests for you as well," she purrs. "I'm sure that such a strong and handsome hero like you, Shamalama Dingdong, won't disappoint me. First, I want you to travel to the haunted pyramid of Pharaoh Snofertitty, find her legendary strap-on of masculinity +12 and bring it to me. Second, you will travel far beyond the Seven Mountains to the Ivory Tower, defeat the Seven Dwarfs and rescue Snow Brown, the fairest maiden of them all. Bring her to me, so I can deal with her appropriately." Queen Ebonia almost devours you with her eyes as she stops speaking. "As you wish," you answer and leave the palace.
"I really can't believe we're doing this nonsense again. If anyone ever mentions the word 'quests' again, I'll kill him," Endiah mumbles away to herself. "Ah, don't be so pessimistic," you cheer her up, "all sorts of adventures are lying ahead of us, and perhaps we can even get rid of that murderous bitch Queen Sharona and her presumptuous husband Gaston the Handsome. Then everyone will know that I and not this pathetic overreacher am the greatest gigolo this world has ever seen. Let's complete these tasks and redeem ourselves. For king and country!"