To think this day started so ordinarily. Ever since I returned to Istanbul from the siege of Vienna, things have been rather ordinary, at least as ordinary as days as the Sultan of the massive Ottoman Empire can be. Court intrigues, diplomatic emissaries, military planning, and whatever else arises, but all things considered, these are just plain matters of statecraft. And so here I am now, sitting in my throne room, taking on whatever occasions are coming before me, be they petitioners seeking my benevolence or foreigners seeking either service in my court or some sort of guide through my realm for the sake of art. For instance, today, an artist from some faraway realm sought permission to take inspiration from the great gardens of my palace, which I graciously granted him.

During a lull in the petitioners, I sigh to myself, my thoughts drifting off to my harem for a moment. It has been at the forefront of my mind that I am still to wed someone, and to be frank, I still have not even begun to make a decision regarding that. And yet, all my options just seem so downright unappealing when it comes to making them the favorite, the first one, the one to be truly considered my wife and not just a common concubine. There are so many questions left to answer there as to the character of these women, whether they would be truly the one or if whatever I see in them is just a flight of fancy at the time. With the weight of an empire upon my shoulders, this choice must not be made hastily.

However, I am then very abruptly torn from my thoughts by a commotion somewhere within the palace, seemingly coming from the direction of my harem. Various yells, shouts, and profanity get closer, and everybody in the throne room turns to face whatever is coming from there. To my surprise, two guards come practically bursting out from a side passage, dragging along what seems to be one of my harem members before throwing them to the carpet in front of my throne. But as they look up at me, it becomes clear to me that they are not only not one of my harem members, but a man! A man doing a quite good job of looking like a woman with the feminine garments of one, but a man nonetheless.

The guards explain what exactly led to this, and it is a bizarre tale, to be sure. The man dressed as a woman before me is Kadri, a young man that was working at the palace as a guard and is a member of the Janissaries. According to their report, this Janissary is not just loyal to me in the regular sense that one expects of a soldier, but rather specifically obsessed with me. It had been open knowledge in his battalion that he believes me to be the most beautiful man in the world, because he would tell this to anyone that would listen. Because of this, it was his plan to sneak into my harem, dressed as a woman, and somehow swindle his way into my bed. What exactly he had planned to do once the ruse would have had to be revealed in my bed is unclear, but I doubt he had this worked out that much anyway.

Looking down at Kadri, kneeling there and very clearly scared out of his wits, I ask, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Immediately, he flings himself into a begging position, yelling with a fervor I did not expect him to have, "It is all true, my Sultan! I am a worthless cur, a swindler, a charlatan! All I can do is beg for your clemency and your infinite grace to fall upon my dishonorable form!"

I can tell everybody around is caught off guard. Normally, these people try to explain themselves or have some sort of strange set of circumstances that is somehow supposed to exculpate them, but he just admits it? "Do you not have some sort of explanation or excuse?" I ask him, more confused than anything.

"It would have to be a lie, my Sultan, and I could not dare even attempt to lie to someone as divine as you!" he responds, never breaking his servile stance.

Well, this is refreshing. "...Stand up. I want to see your face," I tell him, and while it takes a moment, as he was probably quite surprised, he does scramble to a standing position, a strange mixture of awe and terror in his expression. Getting my first good look at him... he's kind of cute. All dressed up in that feminine attire, he'd fit right in with the rest of my harem, but he also has this aura about him that I find enthralling. With all my other women in the harem, there's always this unspoken knowledge that they aren't really in love with me. But Kadri here seems downright obsessed, not out of a lust for power or anything like that, but genuine love that caused him to take on this harebrained scheme. This Janissary might be the answer to a few questions I have, now I just have to test his devotion. "What are you willing to do for my clemency?" I ask him.

"Anything, my Sultan! My worthless body is yours to use as you please!" he belts out with unwavering enthusiasm. Anything, he says? Well, I suppose that is for me to find out. Perhaps it is time for me to have a bit of fun with this eager soldier.