Stepping out from the starting spawn, you are a prisoner Tarnished, bound in an iron mask that reveals one of your eyes and your mouth. You see the great expanse of land out in front of you known as the Lands Between, ripe for looting, levelling, and killing the various enemy types typical of these games. Your goal: The Elden Ring. Your tools: Muscles. Glintstone magic. Your starting Glock G17. You let out an excited smile as you load your first magazine into your trusty str weapon, adjust where your junk sits in your Tarnished cargo pants, and walk to the first NPC, some beta cuck named Varré. He sees your imposing form, your bloodshot eyes, your raging testosterone levels, and his health bar drops a bit.
"Oh yes... Tarnished, are we? Come to the Lands Between for the Elden Ring, hmm? Of course you have. No shame in it."
You crack your neck to the left, and then to the right, and nod at him. You're kinda skipping what he's actually saying.
"Unfortunately for you, however, you are maidenless."
Your body flinches at this. For a true patriot as yourself, that just won't do. Your junk requires a bad babe with big titties by the end of the game or else you're pretty much not getting a good ending. Your American patience is running thin with this feeble-minded beta cuck, though, so for his well-being around you, you hope he has some actually good info.
"Luckily for you, however, there is one shining ray of hope for even the maidenless. Me. Varré. Take care to listen. Are you familiar with grace? The golden light that gives life to you Tarnished."
You interrupt to say, "Alright, I stopped caring. Show me where the first girl is." You hear an eagle screech in the background, indicating you have chosen the correct choice of words.
Low-T Varré lets out a long sigh, crumples up a napkin that had his low-T script on it, and points to his left. "The main questline has a girl visit you when you touch that site of grace over the hill there. Just fuck off, man."
You give a tremendous flex to signal your successful traversal of this dialogue, then you walk behind him.
"Hey, what ar-" NECK SNAP! Your two big American-made muscles have broken his neck. You shrug, turn around, and walk towards the next site of grace. Along the way, you see some undead soldiers, mindlessly serving their lord, Godrick the Grafted. He's the first boss of the game up on a giant castle named Stormveil Castle. Anyways, when the undead patrol spots you, they raise their swords and shields in your direction. You look at them as if you're about to murder them and tell them, "Alright you bunch of morons, I'm taking all of you to hell with me. It's time for some Tarnished justice!" You run into battle, spamming your dodge rolls and blasting these zombies with your Glock G17. You take them down with ease and loot their corpses for some money and some runes, the currency of the game. You collect them into your inventory.
After collecting your loot, you start looking around the area for another site of grace. At the foot of a hill, you spot one, a little yellow glowing collection of energy from the Greater Will. You sit down at the site of grace, restoring your mana and health. As you do, an American flag is raised, giving you pride in serving your country, before a girl phases into existence near you. She's exactly the babe your Tarnished heart desires.
"Greetings!! Traveller from beyond the fog. I am, like, Melina! I offer you an accord." She spoke with giddy joy at her words. "I offer you my services."
Her appearance was perfect for an American audience. She had light brown chin-length hair that flowed in the wind elegantly. One of her eyes had a scar of a cross, and it seemed to be permanently closed. Luckily, she wore aviators to hide that little detail. Her skin was pale and flawless. Her lips were painted with the perfect amount of red lipstick to accentuate her naturally beautiful face. Her clothing was what really sold you, though. For her cloak was more of a cape, fully open, and underneath was the stars and stripes of your great country, the design of her bitchin' bikini top and string-tied bottoms showing her amazing body off perfectly.
Melina was what you wanted, what every Tarnished wants, to be exact.
"Tarnished, are thou in need of assistance? Thou are maidenless, yes?" She walked over and rubbed my arms while I let out a cheesy grin and checked my ammo.
"Ya."
"Have you heard of, ummm, the finger maidens? They, like, serve the Two Fingers, offering guidance, and aid and stuff, to the Tarnished. But you, I am afraid, are maidenless. Yikes. I can, like, be your maiden. Turning runes into levels. To aid you in your search for the Elden Ring. You need only take me with you and let me occasionally respectfully enjoy your chiseled chest."
"Uh huh. I'm down, no need for so many words. You said you handle levelling up, right? Cool, you're in my Harem."
"What is a Harem?"
"You'll see." The two of you seal the pact of companionship with an explosive kiss. You hear the screaming of undead sent flying into the air as the landscape around you erupts into a cacophony of explosions.
You part from her, she gives a cool thumbs up and a wide smile, her sunglasses obscuring her eyes.
Now, with that lame tutorial given the ol' snap, and a busty babe by your side, It's time to get that bread. This game's pretty good. Your first task should be getting a better gun, or perhaps just heading straight to Godrick the Grafted.