This time I'm finally going to do it. I've finally been through enough for me to give up hope for a happy life. The holiday season with happy couples and families all around has gotten hard to bear. I've heard someone call it seasonal depression, but then why does it last all year? It's too hard to even get out of bed some days. So I've decided enough is enough.
I head out from my apartment on foot looking at the city one last time. The city streets are decorated for the season and people are out together eating shopping and everything else. Yet I also see the grotesqueness of this season with the streets covered in black slush from the plowed snow or the homeless slowly freezing in the alley ignored. None of it matter anymore I suppose, in a little while it will all be over. I continue to walk through the city to the bridge.
Apart from a few passing cars, the bridge is empty. The recent snowfall silences everything around me. The quiet is both equally eerie and peaceful. I decide on what I suppose is a good spot and look out across the water. The lights of the city illuminate the river as I watch the snow gently fall into it. I don't know how much time passes, but once I start to feel my fingers get cold I decide it's time. I'd rather die warm I suppose.
As I start to move my leg over the railing I see someone beside already on the other side. They hold onto the railing behind them looking down to the water below, it seems they had the same idea as me. I don't know when they got there, I didn't see anyone before or hear anyone else approach. Then again I was off in my own head. They don't seem to notice me either. They simply keep looking into the water waiting to step off the bridge.
They are bundled up in a winter jacket that seems much too big for them. Their chestnut hair is about shoulder length and messy with knots and tangles. Along with their hat and scarf, it's hard to tell if they're a boy or girl. Judging by their height they must be younger than me, maybe a teenager. There is a slight instinct in me to reach out and try and stop them, but the hypocrisy catches up with me. Instead, that instinct is replaced with a sick sense of comradery for two people who want to end their own lives.
I decide to call out to them, "Hey, you there."
The kid nearly slips as they hear my voice. They turn to me and I see their face. There are deep bags under their eyes and their pasty skin has some blemishes. However, behind those imperfects are eyes that are deep pools of blue that have tears welling up in them. They give me a startled look and tighten their grip on the railing.
"Wh... When did you get here?" They ask me with a tremble in their voice.
"I could ask you the same, I guess I was too caught up in my own head to notice you," I reply.
"Yeah... I guess me too," The teenager says as they look back over the bridge.
There is silence between us for a second and I wonder what to do next. I haven't talked to someone for a few weeks and it's not like I am good at it beforehand.
"Are you... going to try and stop me?" The kid asks.
"Stop you? No, I actually came out here for the same reason," I scoff and move a little closer to them.
"I see..." They say with their voice trailing off.
We are quiet again for a while and keep looking out over the water. The silence is almost deafening, but it feels like we are having a conversation without talking. We don't know each other at all, but we both came here for the same reason, we are tired of living our lives. The kid is the one that finally breaks the silence.
"Do you want to do it together?" They ask, "It might be better than going alone."
I ponder the thought for a moment and nod to them. I hop over the railing beside them. I look into their eyes for a moment before we turn back to the abyss below. The kid grabs hold of my arm signaling they are ready to jump as soon as I am. I close my eyes and the only sound I hear is the breathing of the stranger next to me. Just as I start to loosen my grip on the railing I hear a different noise, the grumbling of the kid's stomach. I open my eyes and look at them. They actually seem embarrassed. It's kind of cute.
"Hey, do you wanna eat something first? No point in dying on an empty stomach," I suggest.
"I don't have any money," They mutter.
"It's fine, I can pay. It's not like I can take it with me anyway," I say with a sense of gallows-humor.
The kid nods accepting my offer and we move back over the railing. The kid lets go of my arm after they realize they were holding on and look embarrassed again with a small blush showing through their pasty skin.
"What's your name kid?" I ask them.
"Alex and I'm not a kid," They state.
"I'm ${Name}," I tell Alex.
We start to walk back into town and it seems most places are closed down, I guess it got later than I thought. I check my phone and see that the local pizza joint is open so I order it for delivery to my apartment and we start walking back there. Alex seems pretty trusting for someone their age, but they might just not care what happens to them anymore. Looking at them somehow feels even more depressing.
"Hey Alex," I start to say without much thought.
"Hmm?" Alex mumbles as a response.
"It's kinda cliche to kill yourself on Christmas, right? Why don't we spend the holiday together, "I suggest, "I'm not trying to talk you out of doing it because I don't think anyone could do that for me either. But it's like you said it would be less lonely together, so why don't we do it after Christmas?"
I don't really know what compiled me to suggest that, maybe I just wanted to experience one last Christmas too. Alex ponders my offer for a moment before simply nodding yes. So we decide to make a pact to kill ourselves after we spend Christmas together. We head inside my dingy apartment and take off our coats. It becomes more clear to me that Alex is a ${Alex}, but what's more striking is their thin frame. I can only guess at what led Alex to the bridge tonight. Whatever it was, it caused this kid to give up on life a lot younger than I did.