It came as a letter; a scribbled cry for help that floated down and under my window sill. Off and on now, I peek at it when my Ma and Pa aren't looking. It's lonely out here in the fields, so I never had much to fawn over in terms of ladies, other than the occasional curvy peasant girl who sometimes comes by with her mother or aunt to buy our eggs and milk.

My Ma would be furious if she knew I was wasting my daytime reading some stupid, messy love missive from some girlie whose face I don't even know! But the letter is just too intriguing not to read over and over again, so I sneak off behind the barn where no one will see me and take up its crumpled corners between thumb and forefinger.

A queen—a GOBLIN queen—wants simple ole' me! It's so silly. No self-respecting lady, Goblin Queen or no, could ever want someone like me. Not with my raggedy old clothes, unruly hair, and callused hands. On the other hand, this flowery little note has made my daydreams jump into hyperdrive. Apparently, the goblin boys in her pack aren't pulling their weight no more. Either they die in stupid little skirmishes or drink themselves into impotency. The poor thing must have been desperate to write such an embarrassing note, but then again, it sure sounded like she wasn't a minority opinion. Seems all the little goblin ladies are in need of a virile stud husband; someone to pump their wombs and sire their younglings.

And to think she wants my hand in her royal marriage! Oh, how humiliating. If my Ma found out about this, she'd string me up by my thumbs and dunk me in boiling oil for being such a hopeless louse.

But oh, how I wish this were true. Maybe… Maybe I'll do it.

So, on that quiet night, I snuck on out there past Ma's and Pa's bedtime and headed for goblin territory. That's right, I didn't tell anyone what I was doing. Hell, I couldn't have told them if I wanted to. They wouldn't understand why I'd go traipsin' off into the woods after midnight. After all, goblins are supposed to be mean, nasty creatures with big teeth and sharp claws. Even if they are, I'm not gonna deny a royal dolly a taste of my manliness. She deserves the best, you know?

It wasn't a short journey, but I've had worse hikes. Then finally, I saw it: the dark outline of a goblin village standing tall in front of me. The moonlight shone brightly overhead, illuminating the dirt roads leading deeper into the settlement. There were tents set up here and there around the perimeter of the camp, along with various lean-tos and makeshift shacks built of wood. Then, I saw them. An all green, all female, and positively wild gaggle of goblins milling around outside the walls of their home. I felt light in my heart and tight in my pants at the sight of them. A few looked at me, wild-eyed and hungry for something I couldn't describe. Then, hoops and hollers erupted among their kind as they all spotted me in unison—their brand new king!

"There he is!" they cried out together. "He's come to us."