Well, that was a shitty day! First you got fired by your boss, then your wife told you that she wants a divorce and that she has an affair with her lawyer, your useless son came and told you that he is a trans woman now, and finally your favourite TV show got cancelled. You went down to the next liquor store and bought a bottle of Bourbon whiskey, and now you're here, sitting on a bench in the local church, drinking and trying to forget this shitty day. The wooden Jesus on his crucifix surely had a bad day as well, but not as bad as yours. And after all, that stupid sucker is only a wooden figure nailed to a cross the parish bought during the last summer sale at Walmart. Nah, you just want to sit here for a while and drink. At least nobody will interrupt you here.
Your thoughts are disturbed when suddenly the door is pushed open and you hear two loud, angry voices. "Oh, Mary, you're such a slut. Simply admit that you cheated on me. I know that Jesus is not my son," Joseph complains. "This was 2,000 years ago. Get over it, you pathetic loser! And I already told you that it happened just once!" Mary retorts. "Oh yeah! Just once? But you did it with two guys at the same time! God and the Holy Ghost! Do you know how they call women who do that? Sluts, harlots, whores, dirty strumpets, bitches!" Joseph answers angrily. You turn around and see an attractive brunette woman in a simple robe and an agitated bearded Hebrew. Then you hear a creaking sound next to you. The goddamn Jesus figure on the crucifix has come to live and climbs down from the cross. "Oh, really? Are you two still arguing after all those years?" he starts to complain. "Goddammit! I'm so sick of you two. Joseph, this is your beloved wife. Mary, this is your beloved husband." Both Mary and Joseph turn to him: "Oh, shut up, you self-righteous prick!" Jesus looks sulky.
Suddenly, the door is pushed open again, and a reeking guy clad in a dirty robe and turban comes running into the church, screaming around hysterically. He is wearing an explosive belt around his waist. "Die, you infidels! Alahu akbar!" he yells, gesticulating like a madman. "Oh, Mohammed, not now. Just stop it! How many times do I have to tell you that there are no 72 virgins waiting for you when you kill yourself? It's mathematically impossible," Jesus explains to the reeking prophet. The angry unkempt Mohammed seems to get even angrier when clouds of smoke start to rise next to him and Satan steps out of the billowing smoke. "Just do it, Mohammed! Don't believe Jesus. 72 virgins are waiting for you," he whispers into the prophet's ear. Apparently out of nowhere a light appears, the earth trembles, an angelic choir starts to sing some old gospels and you hear the voice of God bellowing through the church.