"Hey, Jack... can... can I be, um... on top tonight?"
When I hear Chris ask me this during breakfast, at first, I'm not sure how to take it. In our relationship, I'm the one that is on top, because the two of us are in fact perfect for that—I have a dominant streak, and Chris has a submissive streak. However, in addition to our chemistry, I also love Chris above all else, and so while he likes to take orders from me, I will in fact drop everything to fulfill his every wish if only he asks. If he wants to be on top, he gets to be on top.
"Yeah, sure." is all I say in reply, not even really having to think about it. But while that was a simple thing for me to say, it seems that that was something really important to Chris, as he's momentarily silent in surprise.
"R-Really...? Um... just like that?" he stammers timidly, fidgeting a bit and looking away.
I give him a soft smile. "C'mon, Chris. We've been together for half a year now. You should know by now that if you want something, all you have to do is ask, and I'll do my best to make it happen. Because you're special to me."
He blushes and turns away even more—he always gets like that when I remind him that I love him, and it's adorable.
"Uh... OK then... thanks." he mutters, and silence falls over the breakfast table again. It's clear this is making him nervous, and I'll need to pay attention to him today, because Chris has a problem. The thing is, I've only been in his life for about a year ever since I met him at university, and while it took a bit, he did eventually open up to me about his past, which included some rather horrible stories of bullying during his high school period, and that bullying left him a bit... broken. His feeling of self-worth is completely screwed up, and he will frequently feel like he doesn't deserve me, which leads to him locking himself up in his room and sobbing into a pillow. Thankfully, I have a spare key to his room for those occasions, because in the end, the only thing that helps him when he gets like this is for me to snuggle up next to him, hold him tight and continually reassure him that I love him until he calms down. If I could, I would ruin those bullies' lives until they were even more miserable than Chris when he gets like this, but alas, all I can do is to help him with whatever I can, and hopefully he'll be able to gain some self-esteem over time.
Most of the day goes by as our days usually do, though I do make sure to tell Chris I love him and do little nice things for him more than usual just in case, because he does seem a bit more fidgety and nervous than usual. The prospect of being the dominant one in bed seems to be weighing heavily on him, and I feel like I was in for a no-win situation regardless of what I said that morning. Either I would have to disappoint him, or now he's working himself up into a frenzy over being a good dom and is getting way too anxious.
Dinner is a very tense and quiet affair. I made Chris's favorite curry, and while he does seem happy about it, his trepidation is still clearly visible in his expression. I'm getting the feeling that nothing but actually going through with it is going to get him out of this funk. After washing up, I walk back to the dinner table, where Chris has been sitting the entire time after he was done eating, just... sitting there, thinking. I'd say something, but since this is one of the things he's actually directly asked me for, something he very rarely does, I feel like asking him if he's sure would just seem patronizing, which I don't want to be.
"Hey, Chris... are you ready?" I ask, smiling to try and cover up my worry for him. With a sigh, he gets up and wordlessly walks into his bedroom, and I follow along behind him nervously, but not before grabbing a collar from my room and putting it on to help with the sub look a bit. Heading inside his room, I find him sitting on the bed, looking at nothing in particular. When I clear my throat, he looks up at me, and I can tell the sight of me wearing a collar does excite him a little, but not enough to really make up for all his anxiety.
I decide to take the initiative a bit to give him something to work with, so I kneel down in front of him and say "Here I am, master... I am yours to command.".
He looks away again, as if looking into my eyes is too much for him right now, and mutters "Um... t-take your s-shirt off... s-slave...". The way he says it sounds almost like a question, not a command.
And now I have a conundrum. Do I give in to his command immediately and risk having him feel like I'm not taking him seriously? Or do I resist a bit and risk putting him under too much pressure to act dominant? In the end, I decide to go with the former, and simply reply "Yes, master." before undoing the buttons on my shirt, casting it off to a corner of the room, and then prostrating myself in front of him in a show of submission.
For a while, I hear nothing but him breathing heavily, and eventually, all that he manages to get out is a nearly whispered "Y-Your p-pants...".
Acting a bit shy myself, I slowly unbutton my pants and pull them off. I sit down on the floor and spread my legs a bit to give him a view of the bulge in my underwear, hoping that maybe that would make him see that I'm still enjoying this and he's doing fine. However, to my chagrin, it seems to have had the opposite effect, as Chris starts shaking and closes his eyes. "I... I... I... traffic car! Traffic car!"
Oh, fuck. Fuck! He used the safe word, and Chris basically never uses that... he must be feeling downright terrible. Fuck, why did I think this was a good idea... I'm an idiot. I immediately break my character, kneel down in front of him and take his hand. "Chris! What's wrong?" I ask, the panic very much apparent in my voice.
When he opens his eyes again, it's clear he's trying his best not to break down crying. "I... I'm s-sorry... I c-can't do t-this. I'm... I'm a t-terrible friend..." he stammers in between heavy breaths.
God damn it, he's having one of his episodes of self-loathing again, and it's at the worst possible time. I should've fucking known this would happen, and I never should've let it get this far. "Shhh... it's OK, Chris. You did nothing wrong. C'mon, let's just lay down, OK? It's all going to be fine..."
Slowly, but surely, I manage to coax him into laying down on the bed, all the while he just keeps muttering "I'm sorry" like it's a mantra or something, and he seems to be inching ever closer to bursting out crying.
Once we're both laying down next to each other on the bed, I wrap my arms around him and pull him right up against my chest. "You can let it out, OK? Just let it all out. I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. No matter what."
And once I say that, it's like the floodgates open for Chris, and he just starts bawling openly, trying to stammer out some sort of explanation or apology or something, I can't actually understand it through all the sobs. I just keep holding him, rubbing his back, whispering affirmations in his ear, and just letting him get it all out of his system. After about five minutes, he slowly begins to calm down as the heavy breathing and sobs become less frequent. I reach over to the nightstand, grabbing a tissue and drying the rest of his tears before gently kissing him on his forehead.
The next five minutes are a very intimate and intense conversation about just what it was that made him decide to try being a top for once—again, it was his self-doubt rearing its ugly head. He had gotten himself all riled up inside thinking that if he was only able to be a sub for me, that he wouldn't be able to satisfy me fully or something like that, completely missing the point that it's not what he does that makes me happy, it's just him being comfortable with himself. It's some sort of relationship imposter syndrome with him—he feels like any day, I'm going to think that I deserve a "better" friend and just abandon him, and that terrifies him. Poor guy... I still can't fathom what the bullying in high school did to him, but today just reinforced my desire to see him through all of this.
"Alright, Chris. I have an idea I think you're going to like. Tonight, you're going to be the top, but you won't have to say a thing, OK? No orders, no acting in a way you feel uncomfortable. You're the master... and I'm the slave. And the master doesn't have to order his slave around, because the slave knows exactly what his master likes." I suggest before slowly moving my head over to his ear and gently nibbling at his earlobe, which is something I know he loves.
And sure enough, I can see the hints of a smile beginning to form on his face. After taking a deep breath, he nods. "OK, Jack... I'll give it a shot."
"That's all I'll ever ask of you, Chris. Now... just lay back and enjoy... master." I whisper in his ear. It's time for me to begin, and I have so many things planned. But, of course, I can't do everything at once, so I start by carefully running my hand through his soft, fluffy hair. I'm going to take my time with this. No rushing it, no being overeager—right now, the only thing on my mind is making sure Chris is comfortable and happy. I'm the slave, he's the master.
"You've had such a hard day, master... just let your servant take away all your worries." I say as I begin to move behind him and massage his shoulders as the two of us lay on the bed. "And when you're all relaxed, I'll give you pleasure you've never felt before... because you're my kind, loving master, and you deserve it. You deserve all the love and care in the world... and all the blissful, erotic pleasures too. We have all night..."
God, he looks so fragile and vulnerable right now... he's gone through so much emotional turmoil today. I feel like if I'm too rough with him now, he could just break, and I would hate myself forever. I need to be as slow as I can be. Soft, gentle, caring... I have to be as careful as can be with him.