"How long you been doing this job?" David's soft voice says from behind the camera.
"How long?" Paulie draws up in his unmistakable New Yorker, Italian American accent which is so thick you would swear it was scraped right off the pavement. He mulls it over before saying, "About three— three years I started with the Depart- with the City of New York, Board of Breast Inspection it was called then, moved to being a Deputy State Breast Inspector and been doing that for, uh… twelve years I think it makes it next March. So, almost fifteen years, all told. Pretty good run so far"
"Do you like your job?"
He hesitates before smiling broadly with his hands on his paunch, "You could say that. Yeah, you could say I enjoy what I do. It pays the bills besides. And you gotta do something with your life, right? So, when I'm not here all day getting my balls busted on the telephone, I get to travel around the state examining women's breasts."
"When you go out and look at a woman, what are you looking for?"
Paulie grins, "It depends on a lot of factors. It's all set out by the State of New York. All in the book."
"The book?"
Paulie shuffles the clutter on his desk around before retrieving a manual two inches thick. "This is the bible for doing this job, he raps his knuckles on the thick manual. Everything you need to know is in there and you live by it. That's the bible, and," he swivels his chair around and points to the framed picture of New York State Breast Inspector Ralph Murray on the wall, "That's God, right there. Well, the Governor's God, so I guess that's Moses." He laughs. "Man hands down the Commandments written in stone and your life depends on following those. But you get along, and it's easy for me, and life doing this isn't so bad at all."
"And you follow all of those rules? You remember all of those?" David asks.
He nods his head in a thoughtful manner. "All of 'em. Always. They give us some leeway, naturally. Inspector's discretion you understand. Just like the bible, you see, priest has the same sort of room to fudge it - it's little of this, a little of that, you see. You have to be adaptable because no two… every, uh," Paulie puts his hands out in front of his chest, imitating a large set of breasts, "They're all unique circumstances you're walking into. Have to take things into account."
"Can you talk a bit about what you see as the purpose of doing this, inspecting women's breasts?"
"What people don't get- actually there's a whole lot people have, erm… preconceptions about what this kind of job is. Sometimes they think it's, uh, perverts or somethin' sittin' around fondling people. I hate that word actually. Everywhere I go, it's fondling this, fondle that… go fondle yourself, eh? This is a serious job— a job is what it is, don't mistake it— a serious job that's vital for public health, public safety, uh… public wellbeing. That's what we're here for. Protect and and ensure the public wellbeing of the people of the State of New York.
"Whether people realize it or not you've got," he raises his fingers and pulls them back as he makes a list, "the obvious things people think of, okay, so Fire, that's one and we're actually a very comparable service. Fire, Water, Sewer, the police and then there's us, the Breast department. A woman's bosom- You like that word? I got all kinds, I mean you call 'em breasts, boobs, I could go on all day. Titties, boobies, melons, mounds, knockers, hooters, tits, tatas, torpedoes, jugs, bazongas, cleavage, her rack, chest, torpedoes, the girls, the fellas, the ladies, the babes, the gals…."
The list goes on but Paulie catches himself, then holds a finger up and says with a laugh, "but what were we talking about?"
David starts to ask another question before Paulie interrupts, "No, wait. I got it. Stop me if I get sidetracked, okay? But the Triangle shirt factory? Remember learning about that in school? Disaster that was, and among other things, we can't take all the credit, among other things, a part of the problem was those ladies' breasts. Factory made a point of hiring ladies who were larger than average and, well, fire breaks out and suddenly those girls have trouble all fitting through the door at once. Get it? So that's part of where we come in. To make things safe, especially for the larger women.
"We like 'em large in New York. I guess they do everywhere, right? But since way back then, fire was in, oh, 1910, something like that, and since then the average bust size of a woman employed in the State of New York has increased on average from, uh… oh, it's a little embarrassing to be without the precise numbers on hand, because they record all that stuff, but suffice it to say they were large back then and these days, they're a lot bigger, on average. There's outliers, but typically bigger. So, there's an upward trend there and we have to manage that safely. And I think we do a hell of a job if I say so myself."
"I'd like to ask again about some of the particulars you're looking for when you're examining breasts."
Paulie smiles, "Get back to talkin' about the fun part, eh? Okay. I can do that. So… it's not just size. It's a lot of things, or else the book wouldn't be so fat! You gotta look at size though, of course, take measurements, but also general shape, firmness, the age of the woman, or girl, whatever. Age is a big deal. Are we dealing with any implants? How is her mobility? Has she been pregnant? Lactation, I could write a whole book about that…"
"But size remains an important factor."
"Absolutely, but counterintuitive to what you may think- Safety is our number one priority, but after that it's wellbeing of the public health. Meaning happiness. And, very often, most of the time, in fact, that means encouraging aesthetic and functional improvements to a woman's breasts. Because the State Code, you see, sets maximum size zoning, but also minimums and other standards that a woman has to meet. So there are places where a woman has to be at least a certain cup size."
***
"So we go out on a call,